| January 9, 2019
‘A successful Domme is the picture perfect image of success at all times.
Steely, traditional, hardcore and relentless…’
When I first slipped on a pair of thigh highs almost 8 years ago, I learned that the men who came to see Me wanted a strong, powerful Woman. They wanted to place you on a pedestal, and use you like a blank screen they could project their fantasies onto. In order to be a successful Domme, you should curate every little glimpse they see to reflect that ideal. Under no circumstances, should you show any weakness or vulnerability.
For a long time, I believed that would be the only possible fantasy men could buy into, and I had to keep up with those smoke and mirrors.
As time went on and I became to question this ‘Dominant Ideal’ more and more. I wondered whether that was something I even bought into Myself. Not only was I the Dominant, but this was My career… could I make My own rules, and still pay My rent?
As a feminist, I also felt conflicted about being a sex worker… I was actively contributing to a highly sexualised view of women, and I grew more and more uneasy about that.
For a long time, I mulled over whether there was a way to humanise Myself more, but still keep those sessions coming to pay My bills. I wanted My followers to see Me and other sex workers as a whole humans, with lives and personalities which are complex and varied.
My work itself also evolved, and I realised how much emotional labour it really involved. Many slaves who came to see Me were not looking for a quick spanking and an orgasm in the corner. They wanted something more than that. They wanted a space which felt safe and intimate and freeing. With that in mind, approaching My work completely void of any real emotion felt fairly disingenuous.
BDSM should first and foremost be about trust and connection.
Once you have that, it paves the way for those therapeutic, cathartic experiences...
I slowly gained more confidence in Myself, and I began to show a little more personality. Little by little, I (willingly) let the façade slip. I began to write more personal blog posts, and spoke more openly about things I feel are important both in and outside BDSM.
When I did that, a funny thing happened. The more personal My blog posts were, the more popular they became. The more vulnerability I showed, the more that seemed to resonate with people. Prospective slaves began to seek Me out as a result of the thoughts and writings I had began to share. As I began to become more authentic and vulnerable in My work, that seemed to really strike a chord with My submissives.
Showing vulnerability as a Dominatrix can feel daunting,
when there is such pressure to be the perfect, Dominant ideal of men's fantasies...
The calibre of slaves who now approached Me dramatically improved. The more openly I talk about Myself, the more respectful and adoring My slaves became. I received less insulting comments or timewasters. I imagine they had begun to see Me as a whole, real person, and not as the perfect, latex clad, whip wielding indestructible Domme.
I talked openly about the importance of consent, relationship styles and mental health. As I did, I suddenly found My submissives were becoming not only more compatible with Me, but that they were opening up to Me more and more. They confined not only their innermost fantasies, but their own struggles. Many of them told Me they had never confined that in anyone else before. I am no therapist, but I think we can all agree from experience that sometimes just being able to speak aloud about your problems can be healing.
There is strength in being so open with another person, regardless of whether it’s a paid encounter or not. Feeling able to be vulnerable, in My experience, is far more often empowering than it isn’t. Beyond that, it fosters a sense of real trust. Even if a slave and I have never met before, they already feel a level of connection to Me because My writings have resonated with them.
As soon as I began to shake off the myth of the Unshakeable, World-Class Dominatrix,
My work became far more meaningful and real, for both Myself and My submissives...
I’m not a therapist, but I believe to the ground that a connection like D/s can be highly therapeutic for all involved. I love giving that space to My submissives, and developing a real sense of connection and trust with them. In fact, it’s probably what I love most about My work.
If I could give a single piece of advice to any apprising Dominant, it would be to be authentic to yourself, and not to an ideal which by definition is impossible to obtain. Speak freely about what matters to you, be strong enough to show vulnerability, and you’ll find that attracts the slaves you’ll love to play with…
“What happens when people open their hearts?"
"They get better.”
Until next time...