Yesterday, I made the announcement on twitter that I am going to be taking a step back from My work (you can read My annoucement in full here). Whilst I usually use twitter for shameless self-promotion, I have in the past been very open on My blog, and so this seems a fitting place to expand on My decision.
As it stands, I currently have 2 custom clip orders left to fulfil, and one final session lined up this weekend with one of My long serving and favourite submissives, who is always such a pleasure to play with. After that, I’ll be taking a step back. I will not be accepting any sessions, streaming any webcam shows or filming at all.
I really hesitated over whether to post the reasons for My break publicly, but I believe mental health is something which touches every single one of us, if not directly then through those we are closest to. It doesn’t discriminate, and the damaging and silencing stigma helps no one, only isolating people who suffer further. I’m also starting to realise that talking about it can also be healing. At the same time, I recognise how privileged I am to be able to be so open.
The short version of a much longer story is that the last few years have been incredibly difficult for Me. I powered through, very much with a ‘keep calm and carry on’ attitude. Whilst this allowed Me to get through some tough times, it also means I haven’t spent any time really processing the events of My life that have lead Me to where I am now.
I promised Myself that 2017 would be better, and in some ways, it has been one of the best years of My life. I spent every spare penny I had travelling, and ticked three new places off My (very long) travel wishlist. Whilst I had an incredible time, and travelling is a real passion, I also think this was another form of escapism. More recently, I’ve gone through some intense self-reflection and growth.
I realise now that I am struggling with depression. Over the past few weeks, this has worsened beyond what I feel I am able to cope with whilst working. Some days I feel fine, and others it takes all My energy and motivation to get up, get dressed, and go out. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to even do that. Add to that the pressure of a demanding career whereby I must project the image of a ‘perfect Goddess’, and it is just too much. On the days when I can barely muster the motivation to put My make-up on, how can I realistically live up to that fantasy?
I know it is the right choice to take some time away from the pressures of being a self-employed Domme (of which, there are many) to focus on finding some inner peace again. My work has always been a source of such happiness for Me, and the fact that I am finding it so difficult right now is a symptom of My depression, and a sign that I need to take a break. I know that removing all the pressure of My work from My life will allow Me some breathing space. Constantly worrying that I am not working to the standard I know I am capable of, and that I am letting My subs down, is a worry I don’t currently need in My life.
I am hopeful that after a month or two of focusing on Myself, I will be well enough to return in January/February 2018. In My down time, I plan on filling My days with all the things that make Me feel present and alive. I’m going to reflect, read, volunteer, meditate, do yoga and spend time with my pets, family and friends. I’m also seeking professional help and support. I hope I can balance allowing Myself to feel sad about what has happened alongside finding peace moving forward. It’s a process, and whilst I trust that I will eventually get there, some days are harder than others.
When I made My original post on twitter, I also hoped it might just resonate with others also going through a hard time. Judging from the responses I have had, from people both reaching out and opening up to Me, I know I have made the right decision. It has been both overwhelming and comforting reading them. I also think that talking openly about this stuff is especially important around this time of year too. Christmas is an incredibly difficult time for a lot of people. The cheerfulness and family-orientated, loved-up season can make those who already feel isolated feel even more so.
To anyone who see’s themselves in what I have written, please know that you are not alone in how you feel. There are countless other people, Myself included, who know exactly what you are going through. Know that there are options if you need help, and you should never feel ashamed in seeking them out. Please consider seeing your GP. I also highly recommend PinkTherapy, which is full of sex-positive, kink-positive counsellors (I can honestly say that seeking therapy is one of the best decisions I have ever made for Myself). And of course, you can speak to the Samaritans on their 24/7 helpline by calling 116 123.
If you want to get in touch with Me personally about what I have written, you are welcome to do so either over on twitter or by emailing Me at email@example.com. I will soon be putting an automatic reply on My emails, and will only be checking them and twitter periodically, but I will try to respond if I can/feel able to.
Thank you so much to every single person who has sent such kind, supportive and wonderful messages in response to My original twitter announcement. At a time when I feel so low, it has helped more than I can put into words.
I’m wishing you all a lovely Christmas and New Year, and very much looking forward to feeling better and seeing you all again in 2018.
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