I recently began reading a book titled ‘Dominatrix: Gender, Eroticism, and Control in the Dungeon’ by Danielle J. Lindemann. The first chapter explores who really had control within a professional Dungeon setting, the paying submissive for the paid for Dominatrix, based on interviews the author had with Professional Dominants in America. I thought the topic might make for good blog material, and tweeted out to see what others thought.
I received so many responses from both submissives and other Dommes. Thank you to all those who were kind enough to tweet back with their views. Some even sent Me emails with longer explanations of their thoughts. From the range of responses, I got, it seems this is a controversial topic that everyone has an opinion on.
Most of the responses I received placed control with the submissive, and it’s easy to see why. They choose the Domme they wish to pay to submit to. They dictate their likes, limits, and often request an outfit. Occasionally they will provide trigger phrases for their Domme to say, and some even go as far as to heavily script the session. If given a safeword, they continue to hold control even during play as they have the ability to stop the session at any time by using it.
Having said all that, I don’t believe it is always quite so simple. Can it really still be the case the sub is the one in control when the Domme must choose to accept their session? Whilst the same might not be true of brand new Dommes or ‘house’ dungeons in America, more independent and well-established Dommes have total control over their vetting process. Those of Us Dominas whom have alternative incomes streams, such as clips sales, online sessions, or other forms of work can afford to be even choosier. The ability to pay Our bills is not entirely dependant on how many real time sessions We accept.
Submissives requested activities have also been picked from an already pre-approved list compiled by and found on the website of the Domme. Rejecting any submissives with likes which deviate from Our preferred activities happens often. Few Dommes do not have a limits section on their website, which automatically streamlines who they see. Even if a sub appears to be topping from the bottom, that’s not to say the Domme has no control. Take for example a sub who heavily scripts his session. Many Dommes may well find this makes their work as a professional Top even easier. If they enjoy acting and roleplaying like this, even better.
Whether the Domme or sub has control, and how much they feel comfortable giving away, also varies depending on how they identify. Does the potential submissive see themselves as a fetishist? Do they have specific activities they enjoy partaking in to the exclusion of many others? Or does their pleasure derive from the act of submission alone, and therefore they identify more as a slave? Do they care only about pleasing their Domme, regardless of the activities pleasing Her entails?
A similar continuum also exists for Dommes. Does She identify as a professional service Top? Is She simply a provider of Dominant fetish services to a paying submissive client? Or does She identify as a Dominatrix in the traditional sense? She is unrelenting, powerful and interested only in Her own pleasure whilst exerting total control over Her sub?
Most of U/us kinksters probably fall somewhere in the middle. How W/we identify might well change as time goes on and as a D/s relationship deepens. Many arrangements which begin as service Tops and fetishistic subs may later evolve into a more traditional Dominatrix and slave dynamic. Other Dommes and subs may always purely be playing, exploring specific fantasies together they both enjoy. I don’t believe this makes the exchange any less authentic, fulfilling or therapeutic.
It would be a lie to say that paying submissive does not ‘employ’ his Domme and Her fetish services. Often it seems they are paying for the illusion of relinquishing control, as opposed to actually relinquishing it. What I find most fascinating about this is that a part of the service Dommes provide is pretending that isn’t the case. Many of Us Dommes will portray the image that We are always, without exception, in complete control. Projecting an image of being empowered and powerful is seen as essential to Our brand and to attracting new submissives.
But honestly… how many submissives are genuinely looking for this extreme form of Domination? How many would pay upfront the large tribute Us Dommes demand and then be content with having absolutely no say whatsoever in how the session then unfolded. I doubt many would leave such an exchange feeling fulfilled or happy, but of course I could be wrong. If there is one thing I have learned in My time as a Pro Domme, it’s that there is a fetish for everything! I would also question the integrity of a Dominatrix who operated like this. Taking your cash then giving zero fucks about your desires or limits sounds more like abuse than BDSM to Me. Thankfully I have yet to personally meet any Dommes who fall into this category in My own career.
For Me personally, I see the majority of My sessions as a collaborative effort. A submissive who approaches Me saying ‘whatever you want Mistress’ is one of My biggest pet peeves. Being evasive just makes My job more difficult, as unfortunately I am not gifted with the ability to read minds. I much prefer someone who is a little more forthright in their interests and especially their limits. Who negotiates with My own likes and gives Me a framework to play within, whilst also leaving Me some freedom to be creative.
It’s obvious from My galleries and tweets just how much I love latex clothing. My collection is constantly growing, and when I bought a new double wardrobe a couple of months ago, one half of it was immediately assigned to holding all of My rubber. It is already overflowing.
Today, I thought I would give you a closer look at one of My favourite fetishes, explaining in more detail what it is about latex that I personally find so erotic.
Firstly, I adore the way that latex looks. The ultra glossy finish, and super tight fit which seems to accentuate every curve whilst pulling Me in in all the right places. This is even more obvious when I pour Myself in My favourite piece, My corsetted catsuit from House of Harlot. Gifted to Me by a wonderfully generous slave, whom loves latex almost as much as I do…
I also love the way that latex feels. I immediately feel sexier, more dominant, more ‘fetishistic’. Simply the feeling of a tight second skin around Me is so erotic. How sensual it feels, both restrictive and slippy when I have lubed up to get into it. How warm it is been wearing it for hours and have built up a sweat inside. I recently had a bath whilst wearing the catsuit pictured above, and this was a whole new sensation. A dip into a swimming pool whilst head to toe in rubber is near the top of My bucket list as a result…
I know some people don’t like the smell of latex… I am not one of those people. Having said that, this is an aspect of My ‘fetish’ which has grown alongside with My collection. A by product of My love of latex which I now love in it’s own right. I once walked into a latex shop during a heatwave, and that rubber smell was so overpowering… Gorgeous.
As with many BDSM activities or fetishes, I also love the ‘ritual’ of it. Caring for it. Washing it in vivishine, polishing it with Pjur Cult. Talcing it and storing it. It is one of the few ‘chores’ I actually enjoy doing. And of course, dressing in it is a ritual in itself. Taking My time to coat Myself in a thin layer of lube. Sliding, working, pouring My way into it.
I love how latex is now seen as a little more fashionable/mainstream, thanks to the likes of Kim K, Katy Perry, Gaga and so on. I can wear it out in a vanilla setting without much fuss, and I tend to only get compliments on it. Occasionally, I like to give My vanilla life just a touch of fetish like this. In a way, it’s one of the things I love most about BDSM. How it can so easily be subtle in public. Although I admit, going to the bathroom in a club is a pain, it is worth it. I have always loved to play dress up anyway.
To say I am a heavy rubberist would likely be a step too far. I don’t need to be dressed head to toe in latex to get Me off sexually. But in the same way I adore a gorgeous pair of patent shoes that accentuates My high arches, or a well boned corset that laces My waist down to a tiny size, I love latex and the transformative power of it.
Today’s blog is a Q&A, with questions submitted by My twitter followers.
At what age did you realise your calling to dominate the weak male, and how?
I think I have always had a Dominant side, and was always told as a little girl that I was too bossy. Pretty much as soon as I became interested in sex I also became interested in kink (foot fetishism in particular fascinated Me, and was very much a ‘gateway fetish’…). I then began a relationship with a wonderful guy who identified as sub, and this was My first real introduction to more traditional D/s. Although we have since parted ways, I remained Domme 🙂
How long have you been hooping?
I’ve been hooping for about a year. I have a lot to learn still and sadly not quite as much time to practice anymore. I’d love to learn acro/acroyoga, contact juggling too!
How many dommes do you think are into it only for the money, as opposed to at least partly for genuine enthusiasm for BDSM?
I think it would be incredibly hard to really do well at this job, and therefore earn a lot of money, unless you have a genuine interest and understanding of BDSM. Having said that, I have met a fair few Dommes who do not identify as lifestyle players. They are still amazing Dommes. On a slight tangent, I can understand why to our slaves our enjoyment/a genuine interest in BDSM is important, but in general the empowerment rhetoric around sex work really irks Me. Everyone who charges money for what they are doing are doing it for the money. A genuine enjoyment or passion for that is a bonus, in any line of work.
Do you do medical sessions do you like and have any nurse uniforms?
Of course I love to cater for medical fetishes. It ties in so well to so many of My favourite fetishes, ruined orgasm being the most obvious one. I have a couple of nurses uniforms but I am currently looking to upgrade to a new one (very light blue, vintage style latex uniform). No doubt I will post some pictures once it has arrived…
What’s your favourite aspect when you administer a feminization/sissification session?
I love the process of feminisation, not just in the physical sense but also in the mental sense. As they take on the more feminine clothes, they also take a more feminine role. I love to work out what ‘kind’ of sissy they are… slutty, girly, shy, confident… This feminine persona can differ so drastically from both their ‘vanilla’ persona and ‘male sub’ persona. That particular aspect of transformation is fascinating to Me.
Have you done edging shoejobs with your heel soles rubbing it close to exploding but not allowing relief/rubbed a cock with heels soles and as he is about to cum you step hard on cock with heels stoping it/rubbed a cock with heel soles then as he cums you kick his balls with heels giving painful gasm?
Yes I have done all of those things. I am not going to elaborate here. If you want some wanking material, My Clips4Sale Store has plenty 😉 Here are some previews of some of My latest and upcoming clips…
Ur most important trait in subs and Y: finance, obedience, humor, appearance(include sexiness), openness, or endurance?
Obedience and Openess would likely be the most important to Me. In order to session with Me, a sub must naturally possess both of these qualities. Finance is important insofar as they need to be able to pay for the time they spend with Me. Spoiling Me or showering Me with gifts, although lovely, is never mandatory and so that aspect isn’t important. As O/our relationship develops, I would expect their endurance levels to also increase. Appearance does not matter to Me in the slightest when it comes to sessioning slaves (but a piece of submissive eye candy is always a bonus!)
I didn’t get a chance to answer all of the questions I was sent, so I will likely repeat a Q&A in the future.
Follow Me if you want to get involved next time… @TheMistressLola
Today I thought I would write a blog about some of the small ways you can strive to make Me happy.
Some of you blog readers are loyal sessioning and personal slaves. Some of you admire Me from afar through My webcam/phone sessions and clips. Maybe you just come here to perv over My photos whilst you gather up the courage to come and see Me. No matter what your level of servitude or admiration of Me is, here are a few small things you can do to make Me smile…
Realise that My time is precious
Alongside all My real-time/webcam/phone sessions, I also do all My own administration and book keeping. I manage everything to do with My Clips, including filming, editing and uploading to My various stores. My website was completely built from scratch, and is now maintained, by Me. I don’t outsource any aspect of My business… It’s almost as though I don’t like the idea of giving up control 😉
So, when I am sent a 1000 word ‘introductory’ email, none of which actually specifies how you might like to serve Me, it doesn’t get My attention. In all likelihood will get glossed over and ignored so, for your own benefit too, be succinct in your communication to Me. Make it easy for Me to respond to you.
(This is not to say I don’t like building a relationship with My various slaves. Once you have proven yourself as a worthy submissive, then you will get more of My attention. Until then, keep it respectful, short and sweet.)
Twitter is now the only social media account I have, and if you like what I post then post it onto your own followers. A sweet retweet is a super easy way to make Me smile. Or perhaps you frequent some other social sites or forums. Feel free to recommend Me there too, whether that be for sessions or My video clips. Helping Me to gain more followers and fans is always appreciated.
Write a Testimonial
I recently added a Testimonials Page to My website, and some of My most loyal minions have already contributed. If you would like to submit one, please go ahead and email Me one. It doesn’t need to be War and Peace… just a paragraph will suffice. My only real tip is to try to talk about your own personal experience. I have read so many reviews which are addressed to the ‘slave readers’ and sound practically like adverts, which I could write Myself. I personally find hearing about what your servitude to Me has done for you personally so much more engaging.
I feel like this blog would be missing the obvious if I didn’t draw your attention to My Wishlist Page. I am not particularly materialistic, but if you enjoy buying gifts for your Goddess then please do feel free to spoil Me. It is always nice to come home from sessions to a surprise Amazon package, or to wake up to an Email Giftcard from an admirer who wanted to treat Me (regardless of how substantial or insubstantial the gift is).
Learn My own Kinks, and Improve
Perhaps if you have read some of My ancient and since long gone blog posts, you will already know how much I love My feet worshipped. This makes it all the more sad when a slave simply slobbers all over them like a dog. After recently gaining an interest in massage, I have already begun writing an entire blog post dedicated to foot worship advice. It’s something I want to research a little more thoroughly before publishing though, so watch this space.
Some other examples… of course, ruined orgasms spring to mind! You can practise them yourself at home (just the thought of you doing that makes Me happy). And of course My love of latex… learn how to properly wash and care for it, then do it for Me. Bliss.
Listen intuitively and use your initiative
Look for little things you can improve in My life. Immediately offer to help out, or better yet, help out and let Me know once you have. Compile Me a CD of beautiful, session friendly music if you hear Me say I am sick to death of Enigma. Bring Me a new pair of stockings if you notice a ladder in the pair I am wearing. This kind of servitude impresses Me no end. When My slave begins to notice small ways to improve My life, and instinctively does so.
Of all My submissives, My favourites are the ones who do all of the above. These slaves go above and beyond their ‘play time’ servitude to Me. My career has become more successful as they work hard to make My life easier. They strive to make My life happier in every possible way. They spoil Me completely, and not simply in a financial sense. And I very much enjoy spoiling them in return. My very best submissives get the very best of Me.
Today I thought I would take you ‘behind the scenes’ of both My work and play.
Late last week I travelled down to the infamous English Mansion after being invited to a FemDom Garden party, hosted by the wonderful Mistress Sidonia. Also attended by Mistress Evilyne and Mistress Annalieza, We were served and entertained by 5 very lucky subbies (or perhaps you would class them as unlucky considering how cruel all Us ladies are…?)
Of course, all of Our antics were captured on video (along with other scenes I filmed whilst there), and will be available on The English Mansion Website soon…
After the garden party I stayed over at the Mansion, then early the next morning rushed off to meet up with My sister at a small yoga festival close by. Outside of Domming I have many vanilla interests of which yoga comes pretty near the top of the list, perhaps this will be a surprise to those of you who think I live in latex and thigh boots!
After a night pampering Myself in a hotel, I finally made the long journey back up North to Manchester. Naturally, My slaves there were patiently waiting for My return.
It seems I am very much living by a ‘work hard, play hard’ motto right now. Not only do I adore My work, I also adore how it allows Me the luxury of being able to take time off to pursue other pleasures.
My downtime is very precious to Me. Being a Domme can be very psychologically draining, especially so when you are also lifestyle like Myself. During very busy periods I have previously been close to burning out, and so I make of point of both limiting the amount of sessions I take per day as well as really ‘unplugging’ when I take time off. Not only does quality downtime make Me feel like I can be fully focused and present during My time with slaves, but it also makes Me feel happier and healthier overall.
I feel very lucky to have such a great balance in My life. Thank you to all My slaves, submissives and fans for contributing to that 🙂