Taking a break…

Hello all,

Yesterday, I made the announcement on twitter that I am going to be taking a step back from My work (you can read My annoucement in full here). Whilst I usually use twitter for shameless self-promotion, I have in the past been very open on My blog, and so this seems a fitting place to expand on My decision.

As it stands, I currently have 2 custom clip orders left to fulfil, and one final session lined up this weekend with one of My long serving and favourite submissives, who is always such a pleasure to play with. After that, I’ll be taking a step back. I will not be accepting any sessions, streaming any webcam shows or filming at all.

I really hesitated over whether to post the reasons for My break publicly, but I believe mental health is something which touches every single one of us, if not directly then through those we are closest to. It doesn’t discriminate, and the damaging and silencing stigma helps no one, only isolating people who suffer further. I’m also starting to realise that talking about it can also be healing. At the same time, I recognise how privileged I am to be able to be so open.

The short version of a much longer story is that the last few years have been incredibly difficult for Me. I powered through, very much with a ‘keep calm and carry on’ attitude. Whilst this allowed Me to get through some tough times, it also means I haven’t spent any time really processing the events of My life that have lead Me to where I am now.

I promised Myself that 2017 would be better, and in some ways, it has been one of the best years of My life. I spent every spare penny I had travelling, and ticked three new places off My (very long) travel wishlist. Whilst I had an incredible time, and travelling is a real passion, I also think this was another form of escapism. More recently, I’ve gone through some intense self-reflection and growth.

I realise now that I am struggling with depression. Over the past few weeks, this has worsened beyond what I feel I am able to cope with whilst working. Some days I feel fine, and others it takes all My energy and motivation to get up, get dressed, and go out. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to even do that. Add to that the pressure of a demanding career whereby I must project the image of a ‘perfect Goddess’, and it is just too much. On the days when I can barely muster the motivation to put My make-up on, how can I realistically live up to that fantasy?

I know it is the right choice to take some time away from the pressures of being a self-employed Domme (of which, there are many) to focus on finding some inner peace again. My work has always been a source of such happiness for Me, and the fact that I am finding it so difficult right now is a symptom of My depression, and a sign that I need to take a break. I know that removing all the pressure of My work from My life will allow Me some breathing space. Constantly worrying that I am not working to the standard I know I am capable of, and that I am letting My subs down, is a worry I don’t currently need in My life.

I am hopeful that after a month or two of focusing on Myself, I will be well enough to return in January/February 2018. In My down time, I plan on filling My days with all the things that make Me feel present and alive. I’m going to reflect, read, volunteer, meditate, do yoga and spend time with my pets, family and friends. I’m also seeking professional help and support. I hope I can balance allowing Myself to feel sad about what has happened alongside finding peace moving forward. It’s a process, and whilst I trust that I will eventually get there, some days are harder than others.

When I made My original post on twitter, I also hoped it might just resonate with others also going through a hard time. Judging from the responses I have had, from people both reaching out and opening up to Me, I know I have made the right decision. It has been both overwhelming and comforting reading them. I also think that talking openly about this stuff is especially important around this time of year too. Christmas is an incredibly difficult time for a lot of people. The cheerfulness and family-orientated, loved-up season can make those who already feel isolated feel even more so.

To anyone who see’s themselves in what I have written, please know that you are not alone in how you feel. There are countless other people, Myself included, who know exactly what you are going through. Know that there are options if you need help, and you should never feel ashamed in seeking them out. Please consider seeing your GP. I also highly recommend PinkTherapy, which is full of sex-positive, kink-positive counsellors (I can honestly say that seeking therapy is one of the best decisions I have ever made for Myself). And of course, you can speak to the Samaritans on their 24/7 helpline by calling 116 123.

If you want to get in touch with Me personally about what I have written, you are welcome to do so either over on twitter or by emailing Me at mistresslolaruin@hotmail.com. I will soon be putting an automatic reply on My emails, and will only be checking them and twitter periodically, but I will try to respond if I can/feel able to.

Thank you so much to every single person who has sent such kind, supportive and wonderful messages in response to My original twitter announcement. At a time when I feel so low, it has helped more than I can put into words.

I’m wishing you all a lovely Christmas and New Year, and very much looking forward to feeling better and seeing you all again in 2018.

Until next time,

Mistress Lola
x

P.S.

If you did wish to support Me personally during My time away, the best way to do so is to buy some of My content from either My Clips4Sale or IWantClips stores. There’s also an option on both to just send a standard cash tribute if you wish to. I am not in the habit of begging, but Domming is My only form of income. Any money you spend or send will really help to tide Me over until My return, and would be hugely appreciated. Thank you.


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Applying to Serve…

Hello all,

As promised, today’s blog entry is full of tips on how to make a successful application to serve Me (littered with a little eye candy for those of you who just come here to perv).

Here is a little snapshot of My application form.

Right click ‘Open Image In New Tab’ to see more clearly the questions and instructions.

A fair few of the questions I ask (such as ‘Name’, ‘Email’ and ‘How much are you able to be marked?’) are pretty self-explanatory. So today, I am going to give some tips on how to fill out the other fields, with some examples of a ‘bad answer’ alongside a ‘good answer’.

  • Describe your Ideal Session Activities and any Hard Limits

You don’t need to write Me a dissertation, but the more detailed you can be in this section the better. This is My opportunity to see exactly how compatible W/we are. If you’re an experienced player, list your favourite fetishes or specific scenarios which have blown you away in the past. If you’re a novice, tell Me what turns you on most when you’re watching fetish films. Refer to My fetishes page, or to any of My clips you have seen, loved, and wish to recreate. If you have any hard limits, be sure to include them too.

Bad Answer: Lot’s of strap on, plus whatever you want Mistress. No hard limits. 

Asking for something I don’t offer (listed as being a ‘limit’ in the section you wrote this in) and/or telling Me ‘whatever I want’ is a sure fire way to get ignored. It gives Me no indication as to what you are like or whether W/we would have fun. It doesn’t even give Me enough information to make a recommendation to a Mistress more suited to you.

Good Answer: I am relatively new to the scene, however I have previously tried orgasm control/denial and chastity with my ex girlfriend and very much enjoyed it! I see your speciality is ‘ruined orgasms’ and would very much love to experience this under your expert guidance. Everything under the ‘Training’ section on your fetishes page appeals to me and I would love to explore this more too. Unfortunately I have a low pain threshold and would prefer only mild marking, and so needles, electrics, caning and so on I feel these may all be too intense for me. 

I would be immediately impressed with an application including something like this. Clear, concise, showing that you’re read My website and are aware of My likes. I very often read through My applications just before conducting a session, and this gives Me a fantastic run down of what I can and cannot explore during O/our play.

  • Preferred date, start time and duration (1 hour minimum)

You would think this would be an easy question, but unfortunately this probably causes Me more headaches than all the others combined! My availability is cleared outlined in this section. This is also alongside a note that I need 24 hours notice for all My sessions. Whilst I don’t always need something as specific as ‘Monday 4th December at 13.00 for 2 hours’, I do need some idea of your schedule so I can make sure it aligns with Mine.

Bad answer: Today, anytime. 30 minutes.
Bad answer: Friday. 7pm. 3 hours.

Both of these ignore My availability completely. The first, asking for a same day booking for less than My minimum session time, would likely not get a response at all. The second one might, depending upon the rest of the application. However, My response would mostly be Me detailing My (already clear) availability, which just seems a waste of time for all involved. I am not a fan of unnecessary email ping pong!

Good answer: Monday or Tuesday evenings around 18.00, for 1.5 hours. 
Good answer: Your next available Saturday, ideally around 13.00 for 2 hours. Please let Me know when you are free along with deposit details. 

As would an answer requesting a specific date/time when I am clearly available, both of these would also get a response. Applications which show flexibility, or acknowledge they are asking for a time I am unavailable and are able to pay a deposit, make My life and scheduling much easier (and your application far more likely to be successful!)

  • Outfit Request?

A fairly simple question, but I unfortunately very frequently get…

Bad answer: Nude

It states in the form, and in numerous other parts of My website, I don’t offer this. I wouldn’t respond to this application.

Good answer: I love latex, especially latex stockings.
Good answer: Anything you like, your gallery suggests I could not be disappointed!

Taking the opportunity to reveal your predilection for a certain form of clothing is most welcome. And flattery never goes unnoticed 😉

  • Do you have any other questions/requests/disclosures?

This is your chance to either tell Me anything you think I should know, or ask something you haven’t been able to find on My website. More often than not, this is filled with questions I’ve already answered in My FAQ’s. At the very least, taking a minute to browse over these is really helpful before submitting an application, especially if you do not have time to read through My entire website.

Bad answer: Where are you based? Is there parking?

Already answered in My FAQs.

Good answer: I would love for another Domme to join us for this session, if possible could you please enquire at the chambers to see who is available?
Good answer: I had surgery around 2 years ago and so sometimes have problems with my right knee. If possible I would like to not spend much time on my knees/crawling as a result. 

Either asking for more information specific to your session, or making Me aware of something that could impact upon your enjoyment, is perfect to include in this section. It’s also equally fine to leave this section blank if you have nothing you want to ask or tell.

Lastly, the final tip I can give you with regards to making a successful application… wait patiently for a response. If you haven’t received a reply within 3 working days you can assume that you have been unsuccessful. If that is the case, you are welcome to respectfully apply again in the future. However, harassing Me is a sure fire way not only to be ignored but to be blacklisted completely. I cannot stress this enough. Even if your application was otherwise perfect, if you then emailed Me everyday asking if I have received it and when am I going to reply, you will be ignored. Part of being a respectful submissive is understanding that you are not entitled to a session with Me.

So, now you’ve learned how to make a great first impression, go ahead and send your application… 🙂

Slave Application Form

Until next time…

Mistress Lola
x


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Availability and Slave Selection…

Hello all,

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I have recently been taking the time to pursue something of a passion project outside of the dungeon. Alongside filming, this is now swallowing much of My time. I feel the need to really streamline My sessions going forward. My hope this will make things easier for both Myself and any prospective slaves. As such, I am now only available for sessions on…

Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, from 12.00 until 21.30. 

I have decided to make Myself available to play until later on the days I am free. I am no longer available on Thursdays or Fridays, however if you are a known slave, I may be able to make an exception. As always, loyal slaves get special treatment 😉

It is also worth mentioning that now as My time is becoming more precious, I am also going to become more selective about who I share it with.

I have always been fairly fussy about who I allow to serve Me. I’ve taken incredibly popular fetishes off My website years ago, because having fun has always been more important than money. My philosophy has always been that My job should never feel like work to Me. I am incredibly privileged to have such control over My sessions.

Financially speaking, if I wanted to retire completely from sessions today, I could… but, I adore sessioning and have no desire to retire just yet. Nothing beats the rush I get when a willing slave is prostrated at My feet. However, I am now at a point where I can really cherry pick who I spend time with. Sessions are simply a bonus for Me these days.

I am of the opinion that such cherry picking is far better for slaves too. If you are granted the privilege of serving Me, you know it’s because I believe W/we are highly compatible. I will have just as much (probably more!) fun than you. I’m not doing it because I have rent that needs paying.

You also know that if you aren’t granted a session with Me, you have the opportunity to find a Mistress better suited to you (I often make recommendations). Sessions with an incompatible Mistress tend to be lack-lustre for both parties. You won’t be paying an inordinate tribute amount for Me to act and pretend I’m enjoying it.

It’s a win-win.

My website has now been updated to reflect this, and I will be writing a future blog post on how to make a successful application to serve Me soon.

Until next time…

Mistress Lola
x


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London Tour 2017

Hello all,

I am sure many of My fans in London will be delighted to hear I will finally be gracing the capital with My divine presence on…

Friday 15th until Monday 18th December

As always, spaces for sessions are very limited. This is a mostly social trip, and so your best bet would be to send a fantastic, respectful application and be flexible about when you can see Me.

I am going to be available for the following…

  • Incalls at a fully equipped dungeon
  • Outcalls to hotels or homes
  • Dinner or shopping trips (charged at My ‘social’ rate)

I love social meetings with My submissives, and find dinner dates with an adoring fan easy to slot into My schedule. So, if you like the idea of treating a dominant Goddess such as Myself to afternoon tea, be sure to apply.

As with My last visit, I also have a close vanilla friend who loves seeing Me at work/play. If you like exhibitionism, then she is available to watch U/us for an extra tribute. She may even join in a little, dependant upon the activity (and your consent, of course).

I will not be bringing My camera, and will not be filming any sessions during My visit.

Be sure to specify what kind of session you would like (incall/outcall/social/voyeur) and confirm London as the location when you apply.

I am very much looking forward to playing with some of you soon!

Until next time…

Mistress Lola
x


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My Birthday and Bali…

Hello all,

Firstly, thank you to all who sent birthday gifts and wishes to Me last month. I had a wonderful birthday celebrating at a kinky party (where else?!).

I also thought today I would give you a little peak into My holiday to Bali last month. I know My most loyal slaves like to see what I get up to outside the four chamber walls. I spent two glorious weeks exploring the island, zipping around on the back of a scooter and living like a queen alongside My sister.

A petal flower bath, after one of My (many) massages…

 

A trip to Tanah Lot at sunset

 

A snap of one of the aerial yoga classes I took at My retreat

My final stop en route to the airport was a trip to a turtle sanctuary, where I was able to release a baby turtle into the sea. Those of you who know how much of an animal lover I am will appreciate how much I loved this…

Since getting back I have sadly been somewhat under the weather, but slowly getting better and settling back into filming and sessions. I have lots of lost time and fun to make up for!

I will soon be posting some important announcements with regards to an upcoming London tour and a change in My availability, so keep your eyes peeled.

Until next time…

Mistress Lola
x


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Holiday Updates…

Hello all,

Unfortunately I have been neglecting My blog recently. I have in the past few months decided again to focus on filming, and have also started a new part time ‘passion project’/role outside of Domming (don’t worry, I am not retiring… yet). Alongside My sessions and My personal life, it just doesn’t leave Me too much room to write to you all.

My schedule has been made even more demanding by an upcoming holiday to Bali I am taking this Saturday. I have been working hard to make sure that I have enough clip updates to keep you perverts entertained in My absence. Hopefully once I am back home and settled, I’ll be able to set aside some real time to blog again.

So for those interested in serving Me, please note I am going to be away from September 23rd. I will arrive back in Manchester on October 7th, and will be taking sessions from 9th October. Sadly I have no spaces left for sessions now before I go.

Whilst I am away, you can find plenty of hot, FemDom content on the following websites…

My Clips4Sale Store
Probably the most popular website amongst you lot, My clips are available in several different formats and can be purchased individually… perfect for the pure fetishists amongst you!

My IWantClips Store
My clips are available in Full HD or Mobile resolution on here, and again can be purchased individually. If you make a donation to one of My favourite charities (details on My Wishlist Page), I’ll give you a 40% discount code!

My OnlyFans Profile
This is a completely new platform to Me, and I am still figuring it out, but it operates like a ‘Members Website’. You pay a rolling subscription of $29.99 per month and for that you gain access to all My previous posts plus 10 new full length and full HD videos each month. Perfect for those of you who have all different kinds of perverted thoughts!

And, as I know some of you only come here for some eye candy, here’s some of My latest clips…

Yoga Pants Smother

Pantyhose Pervert

Virgin Humiliation

FemDom Porn Addiction Therapist

Latex Smother

Trippy JOI

Hope you enjoy My content, and very much looking forward to making up for lost fun once I come home!

Until next time,

Mistress Lola
x


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Film Slaves…

Hello all,

I recently tweeted out asking if any potential fans would like to attend a filming day with Me. I got tons of interest, but as you can imagine, it felt very much like herding kittens!

I’d like to streamline this process, and open it up to others who don’t follow Me on twitter (and therefore missed out on the opportunity!).

A little snapshot from yesterdays antics…!

So, if you wish to be involved in any future filming dates, you can sign up to My ‘Film Slave Mailing List’ below. You are welcome to sign up regardless of whether W/we have ever sessioned or met previously. I will not require a tribute.

I do however have a few stipulations as to what I am looking for from My film slaves. Please read them carefully.

  • Far and away My favourite thing to film is ruined orgasm. Provided I can legally sell it and I believe My fans would enjoy it, I am open to indulging in you your fetishes too. However, if you’re not down with ruined orgasms then it’s really a no starter I’m afraid.
  • It’s kinda important that you don’t cum super easily. It’s equally important that it doesn’t take an hour of furious beating to make you reach orgasm. I usually like to make clips which last around 10/15 minutes. If that’s how long you usually last too, then you would be perfect!
  • Filming is very different to the natural ambience of a session. If a lack of background music and an abundance of umbrella lighting is going to turn you off, you’re better coming serve Me in session instead 🙂
  • My chambers are located in East Manchester. If you’re local or visit Manchester regularly, great! Sadly I have zero plans to travel anywhere else to film. If you can’t come to Me then you’re not suited to being My film slave.
  • And, of course, it should go without saying that you are over 18!
One more, just because I am feeling generous…

If that all sounds good, then feel free to sign up below, and keep an eye on your emails for when I announce a filming day!

Mistress Lola Film Slave Mailing List

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Please Tick

Until next time,

Mistress Lola
x


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In Defence Of Porn…

Hello all,

I recently read this article, and have been inspired (/incensed?) to respond here on My blog…

Porn warps culture. I hope credit-card checks nudge adults out of the habit
by Christina Patterson

Firstly, let Me say that although I (currently) only make non-nude, fetish/FemDom content, I stand in solidarity with ALL porn performers. I very much class Myself as both a sex worker and a pornographer. All of us in the industry are subject to a society which simultaneously consumes the content we produce, whilst also criminalising us and stigmatising us for producing it. Let Me also say, that I have mixed feelings about the digital economy bill. For those unaware, the bill will require age verification on all pornographic content. Websites which refuse to comply will be blocked in the UK. This may well include My website, which you’re reading this blog on right now.

I have yet to read any real, unbiased study stating that children are negatively affected by viewing pornography. But, I also don’t believe that a lack of such evidence means porn is good for children to be viewing. If anyone can point Me in the direction of any such studies, then I would love to hear from you…

Although it will negatively impact Me and My business, I agree with the idea that porn should probably be less accessible to children. But… I also believe that blocking websites and other such censorship is a violation of liberty. As so eloquently put by activists such as Pandora Blake and Myles Jackson, porn is the ‘canary in the coalmine’ of free speech. Censorship of porn may well be the thin end of the wedge… What might our government decide we shouldn’t be viewing next?

I feel somewhat personally ‘protective’ over porn. Not simply because I make it, but because I believe it has had a positive impact on Me and My sexuality.  I have spent the majority of the past few years either single or in long distance partnerships. Porn has helped Me explore and enjoy My sexuality without needing to resort to casual sex with near strangers. Porn helped Me to understand My body and how it responds to pleasure. It has taught Me how to make Myself orgasm more easily, and how to then better instruct My lovers. The sex I have with partners is better and healthier as a result of masturbation, which has been aided in part by pornography (and My hitachi wand 🙂 )

So, now you know a little more about My own perspective, let’s dive into this terrible article together.

Christina Patterson makes sweeping assumptions that children copy what they see in porn. That porn teaches them to disregard consent. That children believe violence and screaming are a normal part of sex. That sexual harassment in schools is becoming ever more normalised by porn. That children are being stripped of their childhoods.

This is presented with NO evidence at all (unless you count those unnamed ‘expert witnesses’), but I’ll bite anyway.

It may well be that children are copying what they see in porn. That they now believe screaming or violence is a normal part of it. That they are disregarding consent as a result. But in the absence of any real sex education telling them otherwise, where else do you expect children to learn about this?

It’s also worth noting, whilst on the topic of violence in pornography, that there’s actually much than you might initially think. This article by Psychology Today (debunking a study claiming 88% of porn shows violence against women) looks across 5 peer review studies. They found violence against women in 2%-36% of porn. The difference between these studies findings is generally a result of what the researchers constitute as ‘violence’. That study that found only 2% of pornography showing violence against women? That was the only study which didn’t class consensual BDSM as violence. 

I was a female school child before the age of the internet, and I suffered sexual harassment at school. Most of My female friends did too… this is, sadly, hardly a new phenomenon. I don’t want to make light of a serious issue, and I accept perhaps porn is now contributing to a hypersexualised culture, but this problem already existed long before hardcore pornography was so readily available. Blaming porn entirely is just scapegoating.

For Me, it’s clear that there is a huge failure in our education system. For some reason completely unknown to Me, there seems to be a moral outrage at giving our children anything more than the bare minimum in reproductive biology. God forbid they might go on to make informed choices about their bodies, their sex lives or their relationships in the future…

Patterson quite boldly claims that ‘porn warps’. She states that PornHubs most popular search terms of ‘crying in pain’, ‘extreme brutal gangbang’, ‘sleep assault’, ‘step mum’ and ‘teen’ as her evidence.

Here are the actual most searched terms reported by PornHub in the UK last year…

This is taken from PornHubs 2016 Year in Review, which I highly recommend you take the time to browse over yourself, it’s fascinating… https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2016-year-in-review

‘Step Mum’ comes in at #5, and ‘Teen’ is the second most popular category. The far more inflammatory and violent search terms of  ‘crying in pain’, ‘extreme brutal gangbang’ and ‘sleep assault’ are funnily enough nowhere to be seen. I guess reporting the truth (that people like watching sexy videos of massages and british chavs) just doesn’t quite paint the panicked picture Patterson would like.

Under the digital economy bill, you may to need to jump through a few hoops to get your porn. You may be asked for credit card details and charged a small fee. You’ll be leaving a bigger ‘porn footprint’ as a result. Patterson especially relishes in how this might show up on bank statements and be seen ‘by wives’.

Not only does this insinuate that only men consume pornography (untrue), but it also ignores some more dangerous personal implications. Imagine how homophobic parents of a 19 year old teen might react if they see a bank statement with a payment to a gay pornography website? Or how highly conservative parents might react to their adult child’s subscription to a kink or trans website?

Just under 1/4 of PornHubs visits are by women. Men are clearly not the only ones who consume pornography…

Patterson claims that she doubts people who consume porn remain loving partners and pillars of society. I am both a producer and consumer of pornography. By Pattersons standards, that probably makes Me the lowest of the low. The reality is a different picture. I am a very loving partner, not only in My personal life, but to My paying submissives. Open communication and consent is at the forefront of every interaction I have, sexual or paid. I take every opportunity to educate about consent, if I feel education is needed.

I am not sure many people would class Me as a ‘pillar of society’, but I am certainly not a menace to it. As I get paid well for My work, I have been blessed to be able to financially, physically and emotionally support My parents through My dads illness, as well as support past partners/friends through tough times when they might have otherwise fallen through the cracks of this ‘society’ Patterson cares so much about. I get lots of free time, and I spend some of that volunteering with a charity which works to support some of the most vulnerable women in My city. Maybe it’s irrelevant, but I also paid more taxes in 2014 than Facebook (like many Pro-Dommes I imagine). But hey, fuck all that, because every now and again I like to watch sexy videos.

I don’t say any of that to win any accolades. Almost everyone I know, including My own fans, are loving, kind and generous people. They care deeply about the people around them and about society as a whole. The fact they like to get their rocks off to porn on occasion doesn’t make them monsters. To shame the viewers of pornography and paint them as demons to society is both wrong and disgusting.

Patterson says the internet inventor Tim-Berners-Lee probably didn’t dream of a wild west that would do us so much harm, and that she can’t wait for the day when we’re all a little bit less free. Funnily enough, when the ‘porn filters’ came out back in 2013, they didn’t just block adult content. They also blocked informative sex education websites aimed at teenagers, such as the charity Brook.  Support websites written specifically for lesbians, gays, trans, queer and intersex people were also blocked. They even blocked NHS pages aimed at providing teenagers with sexual health education. That doesn’t much sound to Me like the ‘open platform that would allow everyone, everywhere, to share information, access opportunities, and collaborate across geographic and cultural boundaries’  that Tim Berners-Lee imagined either.

What Patterson conveniently and crucially misses out from the NSPCC report her article is founded on is the following…

“Children and young people want information, advice and support about porn that is suitable for different ages and genders. They want to be able to easily get safe, reliable and private information that is fun and relevant to them”

My advice to those with Christina Pattersons view is this… how about instead of spending all that time and energy scapegoating pornography, and decrying all pornographers and porn consumers as degenerates, you start campaigning for real, innovative and comprehensive sex education to be mandatory in our schools? Because honestly, without that, what other frame of reference have children got for sex other than porn? The digital economy bill may well stop kids stumbling across porn accidentally. But it won’t stop them searching for it using VPN’s because they have no other information about sex to learn from.

I can only imagine how much happier and healthier we would all be if we had been given real sex education.

Imagine sex education classes for our children which don’t just teach about biology, but help children to learn about their relationships to other people and to their own bodies. How important it is to recognise and set your own boundaries, and to respect other peoples. Teach them all about the nuances of consent, and give them tools on how to navigate it. Certainly teach them about the risks of STI/STD’s, but also teach them about the unfair stigma attached to many of them. Give them advice about contraception which will protect them, and the importance of regular STI testing and cervical screenings. Teach young women they shouldn’t feel shame about their sexual desires or their bodies. Teach young men to respect women, and to embrace and vocalise their emotions. Have them learn about the entire spectrum of alternative sexuality. Teach them that falling under the LBTQIA+ umbrella is both normal and natural. Give them resources for further support if they need it.

And, perhaps most importantly to people like Patterson, teach children that porn is a fantasy made by and for consenting adults. That sometimes, what we see in porn is not what is most pleasurable. It’s about what looks best for the camera. That porn often bears as little resemblance to real life sex as the latest Quentin Tarantino film bears to real life in general. I know for a fact how much I would have personally benefited from such an education.

I am hopeful, but sadly I think we are a long way off this being the reality.
Advocating for proper sex education, instead of inciting moral panic, just wouldn’t get as many clicks through to the Guardians website…

(Illustration credit for this beauty goes to John Jonik)

Until next time,

Mistress Lola
x


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My submissive experience…

Hello all,

As a little backstory to this blog, those of you who follow Me on twitter will have seen I have recently been the subject of harassment. I use recently as a loose term, as this person in question has been hounding Me for well over a year. He has contacted Me through My website, My niteflirt account, My email, and now Twitter. He has also tried to canvass over Dommes and even My submissives. The backstory is that I was briefly in discussion with him regarding a custom clip he wanted, with Me starring as a submissive. I turned him down, as what he wanted was well beyond My comfort limits. It has, however, inspired Me to write this. I thought you loyal readers may find it interesting to hear of My limited experience in your shoes.

Fresh faced, slightly intoxicated, and rocking some steampunk ropework…

I have never been a natural submissive. When I first discovered BDSM with My ex-partner in My early 20’s, he identified solely as submissive, and this suited Me perfectly. It allowed Me to really explore and develop My style as a Domme (which has continued to evolve throughout My career). One night, being the adventurous couple W/we were, we decided to attempt switching. He put My legs in a binder, tied My hands up and behind My head and slipped a blindfold on Me. 30 seconds later, if that, I safeworded. An overwhelming sense of claustrophobia struck Me. We didn’t ever try switching again.

My ex-partner and I parted ways a few years after that, and I began to explore My sexuality as a single person. I decided that I would try to avoid dating anyone who identified solely as submissive. Topping at both work and at home was burning Me out. As you can imagine though, when you are so open about being a Dominatrix, attracting partners who aren’t submissive can be somewhat difficult 🙂

I thought that perhaps I would try submission again, now a few years after My last attempt. I find shibari both artistic and relaxing, so I’ve quite enjoyed being tied up a few times. During My trip to Thailand last year I took part in a 6 hour long, meditative shibari session. Although good experiences, these were really lacking of any D/s dynamic.

I also dabbled with a couple of casual partners who indulged My desire to try subbing. I’ve probably tried it four or five times total. To be completely honest, I spent most occasions (silently) critiquing technique and comparing it to what I would do…! Sadly, it is difficult not to when you are submitting to someone much less experienced at Topping than you are.

My first attempt at suspension.

My desire to have a more successful, enjoyable attempt grew. You’ll often hear people categorise the submissives of Pro-Dommes as powerful, Type-A, business types, looking for release from their high pressure lives (although I’m of the opinion that the high tributes Us Dommes demand may well make that a biased sample!). My work was becoming more demanding each year. More and more men were submitting to My every whim and paying Me for the privilege. Psychologically, the idea of giving up control to someone else was becoming more and more attractive, as it was in stark contrast to the rest of My life. Like My type-A subs, I started to see such an experience as ‘freeing’.

Then last year I had a potential submissive contact Me asking for a ‘switch’ session, whereby I would sub to him for the first half, before getting My own back as a Top the second half. The activities he wanted to explore with Me as a submissive were all fairly soft and within My limits, so I agreed. It sounded like a fun session.

A little snap of My marks after My switch session…

Afterwards, I received an email from the same person, saying that he felt much more naturally Dom than he anticipated, and would I consider doing a purely submissive session. As I had already seen him in a switch capacity, and knew his style of Topping suited Me, I said yes. The prospect of exploring submission excited Me. We embarked on a lengthy email conversation, discussing each and every possible activity. I had to think long and hard about what I was willing to do, what I was willing to try, and what I absolutely would not do under any circumstances. His interests aligned perfectly with My limits, and I agreed to ‘tutor’ him in certain activities so he would know how to do it safely.

We embarked on a series of sessions with Me as the submissive. I was spanked and whipped. Given homework and cleaning tasks. I had hot wax poured over Me, and cold glasses of water thrown over Me. Bound with rope, I tried ‘predicament bondage’. I took the cane. My sessions as a submissive explored lots of other things too, but I won’t go into too much detail here out of respect and discretion for My Dom. Plus, I’d like to leave your imaginations running a little 😉

Some of the shibari I did in Thailand…

I found a new understanding of what it was like to submit to someone without there being a more sexual aspect to it. It was an interesting experience, being paid to partake in a non-sexual, purely D/s relationship. There were times where I felt this wonderful urge to be good submissive and please My Dominant. There were also times where I found submitting very difficult. I felt somewhat conflicted about accepting payment for something which, at certain points, I did not enjoy. It seemed very much against My work ethos.

Our sessions eventually came to a mutual end. During O/our last session, I felt as though a boundary was crossed (albeit in a minor way). I safeworded, W/we discussed it, and he apologised profusely. Even so, this dampened My trust in My Top. Along with occasionally feeling conflicted about O/our sessions, after that incident I decided that I would likely turn down a future session if He asked for one, but he didn’t book in again after that anyway. I think by that point W/we had both gotten all that W/we could from O/our sessions together.

I never advertised that I was doing submissive sessions, and I still don’t. To Me, O/our dynamic felt like a one-off. We had spent so much time negotiating limits and that had built up a certain amount of trust between U/us. I also quite firmly believe that My low pain threshold generally makes Me an unsuitable professional submissive. Obviously submissives charge even more than Dominatrixes. I felt like the majority of those looking for a professional submissive would likely want to explore much harder activities than I am comfortable with.

Do I feel as though My few experiences as a submissive has made Me a better Top? Honestly… not really. I gained a little more understanding of Myself, and I gained a little bit of insight into what it is like for My submissives to visit Me, but I don’t believe you need to have been a submissive to be a good Domme. To My mind, what makes a great Domme more than experience as a submissive is empathy. When I am caning a submissive, I am doing so whilst reading their body language, checking in verbally if needed, imagining how it feels for them (and obviously enjoying Myself!). I rarely think back to when I took it Myself.

Being on the receiving end of the cane did not teach Me how to administer a caning either empathetically OR safely. Years of practise fuelled by enjoyment did.

Probably the most public display of submission you will ever see from Me… at the Spankathon Porn Protest in 2015

With regards to subbing in the future, I would still like to find someone I could explore submitting with on a personal, perhaps more sexual level. I’m adventurous, and I like experimenting. But, I imagine they would have to be pretty special for it to work judging by all My past experiences… I continue to be a very fussy submissive 🙂

Until next time,

Mistress Lola
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Double Domme Summer Sessions with Mistress Foxx…

Hello all,

A very quick announcement today to say that Myself and Mistress Foxx are now offering our infamous Double Domme sessions at a special rate throughout the month of June and July.

We are accepting Double Domme sessions every Monday and Wednesday.
For first time submissives, We are offering a 10% discount. Any subsequent sessions will receive a 20% discount.
As of August 1st, Our tribute will return to usual.

Our styles of Domination are different but complimentary to each other. I love to lull My submissives into a false sense of security with My playful and sensual style. Mistress Foxx relishes in quickly snapping you back to reality with Her exacting and strict Domination. You can imagine how this good cop/bad cop routine plays out in Our sessions… a total mind fuck for you, and immense amusement for Us!

Although Mistress Foxx and I have differing styles, We have one fundamental thing in common… We approach Our sessions with the aim of having fun (albeit occasionally at your expense!). Our enjoyment of co-topping is underpinned by Our friendship, which adds a particular dynamic to Our doubles.

Have ever fantasied about being at the mercy of a couple of close girlfriends? Amusing them, serving them and ultimately being a toy for their bitchy games? Then you no doubt already understand how such a dynamic can add a certain je ne sais quoi to play.

To enquire, get in touch with Me here. 

Until next time,

Mistress Lola
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